10.26.2007

An Efficient Diet, But I Wouldn’t Recommend It

I’ve lost seven pounds in less than three days.

My weight loss is a by-product of me being sick, so I don’t really recommend this method, but if you’re desperate to lose a few pounds, here’s what you need to do:

  1. Acquire some sort of bacterial or viral infection. This will be very important later.
  2. Give blood. Not only does giving blood help out people in need in your community, it also removes a pint of liquid from your body and, therefore, decreases your weight.
  3. Go home and lay down for a long time. This will prevent you from doing weight-maintaining activities like hydrating and eating.
  4. If you do eat, eat late, and avoid healthy foods. Maybe something like Doritos and Cookies n’ Cream ice cream.
  5. After eating, spend the next several hours purging absolutely everything from your system. If you followed Step 1 like you were supposed to, you won’t actually have an option on this one.
  6. Replace some fluids. You have to have some fluids to survive, so at this point, you might need to go to the Emergency Room and get hooked up to an IV for several hours.
  7. While in the ER, get rid of even more of your blood. Since you’ve already given blood in Step 2, this might be difficult, and may mean that you have to get stuck over and over again before they can get enough blood from you for tests.
  8. When you finally get to come home, spend most of your time sleeping. If you must eat, 2-3 Saltines a day should be more than enough.
Follow these eight easy steps, and you too can lose weight in just three days. For me, the seven pounds was roughly five percent of my body weight, so if you’re bigger than me, you may be able to lose even more! Good luck!

p.s. Did I mention that I don’t recommend this?

10 comments:

Justin Bland 10/27/07, 3:35 PM  

HAHAHAHA!!! holy crap thats awful! Funny post, unfunny experience.
I hate that you had to experience that, but I loved reading about it.

Jethro 10/27/07, 11:28 PM  

Wow, that sounds terrible. But since you did manage to lose weight that way, maybe you could market it to wrestlers. I would have loved having another way to make weight.

Alex 10/28/07, 12:51 AM  

I lost almost twenty pounds in about two weeks of free travel. I was sick from Prague to Dublin, so I didn't eat, didn't really sleep, and wore myself out with travel. Truly the quick and easy way.

Luke 10/28/07, 3:41 PM  

Justin,

I’m glad that you enjoyed my re-telling of the experience, since I certainly did not enjoy the experience itself.

Luke 10/28/07, 3:43 PM  

Whit,

While I’m sure that, to you, anything would seem preferable to not eating when you're hungry, I'm still not sure this weight-losing method would be good for wrestlers.

Unfortunately, after I had lost the weight, I was so weak that even standing was difficult and made me tired pretty quickly. I'm thinking that would not be a good thing for wrestlers.

Luke 10/28/07, 3:44 PM  

Alex,

Wow, you put my weight loss to shame…or maybe you just prove the merits of a similar system over a longer time.

Either way, I'm sorry that happened to you; I'm betting you would've enjoyed Prague, Dublin, etc. even more had you not been gradually wasting away the whole time.

Paul Murphy 10/28/07, 10:09 PM  

I got tetanus the other week and my jaw locked shut and my throat was swollen shut...

I died.

OK I lost 15lbs. from not eating for about a week... I was down to 139.

Will 10/29/07, 5:43 PM  

You forgot accidentally overdose on medication (cough syrup/what the school nurse gives you). The act really weird for the next few hours and not remember much of anything.

Luke 10/30/07, 9:10 AM  

Paul,

That stinks. When you were sick, did you feel so bad that you weren't hungry, or were you hungry the whole time?

Because that would really stink.

Luke 10/30/07, 9:12 AM  

Will,

That didn't help me lose weight though.

I guess I could write about it in a "How To Get Out Of Class For A Couple Of Days" post.

The Doc File © 2006-2012 by Luke Dockery

  © Blogger template 'Fly Away' by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP