An Efficient Diet, But I Wouldn’t Recommend It

I’ve lost seven pounds in less than three days.

My weight loss is a by-product of me being sick, so I don’t really recommend this method, but if you’re desperate to lose a few pounds, here’s what you need to do:

1. Acquire some sort of bacterial or viral infection. This will be very important later.
2. Give blood. Not only does giving blood help out people in need in your community, it also removes a pint of liquid from your body and, therefore, decreases your weight.
3. Go home and lay down for a long time. This will prevent you from doing weight-maintaining activities like hydrating and eating.
4. If you do eat, eat late, and avoid healthy foods. Maybe something like Doritos and Cookies n’ Cream ice cream.
5. After eating, spend the next several hours purging absolutely everything from your system. If you followed Step 1 like you were supposed to, you won’t actually have an option on this one.
6. Replace some fluids. You have to have some fluids to survive, so at this point, you might need to go to the Emergency Room and get hooked up to an IV for several hours.
   
7. While in the ER, get rid of even more of your blood. Since you’ve already given blood in Step 2, this might be difficult, and may mean that you have to get stuck over and over again before they can get enough blood from you for tests.
8. When you finally get to come home, spend most of your time sleeping. If you must eat, 2-3 Saltines a day should be more than enough.

Follow these eight easy steps, and you too can lose weight in just three days. For me, the seven pounds was roughly five percent of my body weight, so if you’re bigger than me, you may be able to lose even more! Good luck!

p.s. Did I mention that I don’t recommend this?

A Less Significant Sacrifice

Every six months or so, we have a blood drive at our church, and since I am the type of person who is willing to give blood if it is exceptionally convenient, I donated at our blood drive yesterday afternoon.

If you’re lucky, you get a free t-shirt when you give blood, and yesterday, I was lucky (or so I thought). I didn’t really look at it until I got home. It said, “He gave His. I gave mine,” and then had a Jesus fish underneath it.

I dunno, there’s something about comparing my convenient gift of a superfluous pint of blood to Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for all mankind that just irks me.

Design a new t-shirt.